


Let Me In

by MoonlightBreeze



Series: Tumblr Prompts [11]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, And he gets that hug, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Caring Magnus Bane, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Alec Lightwood, I'm very predictable, M/M, Post-Canon, Pre-Epilogue, Protective Alec Lightwood, Self-Harm, So much hurt/comfort, Tags Are Fun, Tumblr Prompt, Understanding Magnus Bane, like the canon we see in the show, no beta we die like men, through training too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25006510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: Years after their marriage, Alec still struggles with some of his old habits. Luckily, Magnus is always there to catch him when he falls.~ requested by @bidnezz on Tumblr ~Contains canon-typical self harm, non-explicit.
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Tumblr Prompts [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1751983
Comments: 20
Kudos: 169
Collections: Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020





	Let Me In

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bidness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bidness/gifts).



> Hey, guys! I'm back again with another Tumblr prompt. This one was requested by the lovely bidness, and here it is:
> 
> Prompt: _YES, I was waiting for you to rb the sensory prompts!! Number 25 please! #25 = calloused palm_
> 
> I have a confession to make - the calloused palm appears for like, a paragraph. So I'm sorry, Tilly, this probably isn't what you wanted. The fic kind of grew legs and ran away when I tried to rein it in. I hope you like this anyway! 
> 
> This fic contains show-typical self harm through over-training. Please keep yourselves safe, lovelies! <3
> 
> Without further ado, let's get on to the story! Kudos make my day and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> ~ Em

Magnus approached the training room with caution. The last thing he wanted to do was spook Alec into getting defensive or, worse, running. 

As he approached the room, the telltale thwack of arrows splitting targets filled the air, and Magnus winced. Isabelle had called ahead of time to tell him what was happening. She had sounded tearful on the phone as she admitted that she couldn’t reach him, couldn’t help him. Magnus could hear the guilt lining her voice when she confessed that she couldn’t stop her brother from hurting himself. 

It was the same type of guilt that Magnus often felt. 

Magnus hesitated in the doorway to the training room, unsure of how to proceed. No matter how many times he found Alexander in the midst of hurting himself, he would never quite know exactly what to say or do to help him. 

Magnus rapped lightly on the wall and made a low sound in the back of his throat to announce his presence. Alec whirled around, still clutching his bow, his eyes wide and filled to the brim with an emotion that Magnus couldn’t identify. 

“Magnus,” he heaved, breathing hard from the exertion. “What are you doing here?”

“Your sister called me,” Magnus replied, cautiously taking another step inside. “She was worried about you.”

Alec squared his shoulders and set his jaw in a straight line. “She overreacts. I’m fine.”

“Are you?” Magnus raised a challenging eyebrow and swept his hand to indicate the numerous targets littering the walls of the training room, all with at least four arrows jammed into the bull’s-eye. 

“Yes,” Alec replied tersely, and Magnus pressed his lips together. Accusations and anger would get him nowhere.

“Alexander,” Magnus began, but Alec cut him off before he could even finish his sentence. 

“Mags, seriously, I’m fine,” Alec said. “I just want to finish training, okay? I’ll be home soon for dinner.”

Magnus bit his lip and wondered what to do. Sometimes, when Alec made these visits to the training room without his archer’s gloves, he needed comfort, a gentle touch and a warm hand to remind him that he wasn’t the things his mind claimed him to be. Other times, though, he needed to fight. He needed to let his anger out, and it was up to Magnus to figure out a way for him to do so that didn’t involve pain. 

But when Alec shut him out like this, refused to acknowledge his concern, it was difficult to tell which it was. 

Magnus watched from a distance as Alec took aim and loosed another arrow, this one hitting a target on the left side of the room dead-center. He was shaking, but Magnus couldn’t tell if that was from anger or exertion. Sweat stained his dark grey t-shirt, and his ebony hair was messy, as though he had run his fingers through it multiple times. Magnus knew he did that when he was upset or overwhelmed. 

His husband’s hands were calloused and rough, years’ worth of scars and weapons handling apparent the second they touched his own that first time so many years ago. Magnus had never minded. This was a symbol of who Alec was, a Shadowhunter, a warrior, always willing to defend and serve and protect. Magnus loved running his fingers over the little indentations in Alec’s skin, pointing out scars and asking him to tell the story of them. While most of them were, of course, the result of battle wounds, Alec did have the occasional funny story of Jace being clumsy or himself taking a misstep in training, and Magnus enjoyed hearing them more than Alec would ever know.

It was one day only a few months into their relationship when Magnus noticed the thin, silvery scars. They were tiny, barely there in comparison to the others, but there were far too many of them for Magnus to placate himself with false truths about them being accidental. 

He didn’t want to confront Alec about them, at first; he was the last person in the world who would make someone else relive past pain. But when Magnus noticed the little scars multiplying with time, he knew he had to say something. Alec was hurting himself, and Magnus couldn’t just let it happen. 

Predictably, when he’d brought it up, Alec had immediately shut down, clenching his hands into fists and taking that stance he always took with his parents: the stance of a soldier - eyes up, feet planted firmly on the ground, hands twisted together behind his back. 

Alec had never taken that stance with Magnus before.

With gentle words and reassuring touches, Magnus had managed to get Alec to relax enough to talk about it, and he learned that Alec had been without his archer’s gloves for years. It wasn’t exactly a surprise to him, but it still hurt to hear. He was glad when Alec had reassured him that he was doing better, much better, than before he met Magnus. It kindled some fire inside of Magnus to know that he was part of the reason his Shadowhunter’s relationship with pain was slowly growing into what it should have been in the first place. 

After that first time, when Magnus had reassured Alec that he thought no less of him and just wanted to help, things were a bit easier for the couple when the problem next arose. Words flowed easier, and there were significantly fewer barriers between them. 

It didn’t mean things were perfect.

Even after years of being married to Alec, Magnus was still figuring out everything there was to know about him. Usually, it was a good thing; it was like opening a familiar book that was suddenly brushed with a few new words for him to experience. It was learning, and Magnus was nothing if not a seeker of knowledge. 

But this knowledge, the knowledge of Alec’s habit and the way he controlled his own emotions with pain he didn’t deserve, left Magnus feeling hollow and empty inside. 

Magnus stepped closer and placed a hand on Alec’s trembling arm. He tensed under the touch, his back going rigid and his hands tightening on his bow. Up close, Magnus could see the true extent of the damage - Alec’s palms were bruised from clutching his bow too tightly, and the fingers of his left hand were sliced and bloody from the bow string. 

Magnus didn’t want to think about how long Alec had to have been at it for it to be this bad.

Alec kept his gaze firmly locked on the targets above him, refusing to meet Magnus’s eyes. Magnus squeezed harder, a bit more firm in his grip, and Alec sagged beneath him. It made tears well up in Magnus’s eyes to know that he had to _cause_ Alec pain, at least a small amount, to get him to stop causing _himself_ pain. 

“What happened, darling?” Magnus asked, gentling his grip and stroking up and down Alec’s arm with his free hand. 

“Nothing happened,” Alec mumbled. 

Magnus made a sound of disbelief and began to rub soothing circles into the back of Alec’s hand, the part that wasn’t cut up and decorated garishly in browns and yellows. Slowly, he inched the bow out of Alec’s hands, relief crashing over him in waves when the other man didn’t protest. 

“It’s stupid,” Alec said in a low voice, turning away from Magnus. Magnus caught his arm and pulled him close, not letting him go too far. 

“It is not,” he promised. “Nothing that upsets you will ever be stupid, Alexander.”

Alec sighed and didn’t say anything. Magnus waited patiently, drawing little figure-eights on the back of Alec’s hand. 

“It’s just…” Alec trailed off, biting his lip. Magnus gave his hand a soft squeeze, encouraging him to continue. “It’s just that, now that Clary has her memories back and everything, I, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? T-This can’t stay. This, this happiness, this security, this _peace_ , it can’t stay. Something is going to happen, isn’t it? Something always does.”

Alec stared at a blank spot on the wall and pressed his lips together. Magnus could tell that he wanted to say more, so he refrained from uttering the words that burned at the back of his throat. 

“I can’t just be content with a life where everything is _fine_ ,” Alec said, laughing bitterly. “And I know that sounds like I _want_ things to go wrong, but it’s just, it’s just that everything always _has_. When I was younger, I was miserable. Then I met you.” He turned to give Magnus a shadow of a smile, and Magnus moved closer to him with a soft brush of his hand. “And things weren’t so bad, then. But everything with Valentine and the Circle, my parents and Jace & Izzy & Clary, it was still happening, and even if I wasn’t miserable anymore, nothing slowed down. Life was still, was still hectic and something was always happening and it never stopped.”

Alec paused to take a breath, and Magnus saw a glassy tint to his eyes that made his heart clench with sympathy. “And now, everything is fine and calm and nothing is _happening_.” He huffed out a frustrated breath. “I just keep feeling like, if I let my guard down, that’s when the next thing that’s going to go wrong, will.”

“And you want to be able to stop it before it does,” Magnus finished for him. “So your siblings and loved ones can enjoy the slice of a normal life they’ve been given.”

Alec chewed his lip and didn’t answer, but Magnus could tell he had hit it right on the mark.

Magnus sighed and pulled Alec closer to him, stroking a hand through his hair and pressing a light kiss to his temple. “Things are always going to happen that will take you by surprise, Alexander,” Magnus said softly. “I’m centuries old and I’m still surprised by something every day. It’s a fact of life. It’s unavoidable.”

“I know,” Alec mumbled, “but Jace and Izzy have been through so much. Clary and Simon, too. They all have. They don’t deserve to carry the weight of whatever the next bad thing is.”

“And you do?” Magnus asked quietly. Alec looked away, and Magnus knew he had his answer. 

Magnus hesitated, unsure of how to proceed. He wouldn’t be able to convince Alec that he didn’t deserve to be unhappy any more than his siblings & friends did right now, but he couldn’t just let the statement go unaddressed. 

“My love, look at me.” Magnus urged Alec with a gentle press of his hand to the other’s cheek. Reluctantly, Alec obeyed, bright cerulean meeting unglamoured gold. “How have we gotten through everything else this world has decided to throw at us?”

“By...winning?” Alec said, raising an eyebrow at Magnus. Magnus chuckled and placed a soft kiss to Alec’s cheek. 

“Sure, we won,” Magnus conceded, “but _how_ did we win?”

Realisation dawned on Alec and his eyes widened almost imperceptibly. “Together,” he said numbly. “We won together.”

“Precisely.”

Alec sighed and turned to bury his face in Magnus’s shoulder. Magnus smiled sadly and wrapped his arms around his Shadowhunter. 

“You don’t have to carry all of the weight,” he whispered into Alec’s ear. “Let us help you. Let _me_ help you.”

Alec exhaled shakily and gave him a slow nod. Magnus squeezed his husband tighter and pressed a kiss to his matted black hair, a silent ‘thank you’. Alec dropped a kiss of his own to Magnus’s shoulder blade - ‘you’re welcome’. 

“Can we go home?” Alec asked, his voice muffled by the fabric of Magnus’s shirt. Magnus felt tears well up in his eyes. It didn’t seem like much, but for Alec, it was phenomenal. He was asking for what he wanted, what he needed. He was asking for help. 

Magnus was more than willing to provide. 

“Of course,” Magnus said, gathering Alec in his arms. He gave a short flick of his fingers to open a portal and guided them through. 

The second they were in the loft, the tension in Alec’s shoulders disappeared and he sagged against Magnus. Magnus felt wetness on his shirt, and his heart broke for his husband. How long had he been keeping this bottled up inside of him?

“Come on, love,” Magnus said, and gently prodded Alec to sit down on the couch. Alec gave a long, shaky sigh and curled against Magnus’s side. 

“Next time you need to be held, just tell me,” Magnus requested. He shifted just enough so he could wrap his arms around his husband, and Alec eagerly leaned into the embrace. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled. 

“Shh, don’t be sorry,” Magnus said, smoothing Alec’s hair back from his forehead. “I know these things are not black and white. Sometimes there isn’t a right answer.” He drew back and cupped Alec’s cheek in his palm, his heart constricting when the Shadowhunter leaned into the touch like he hadn’t been touched so kindly in years. “I know you are trying, darling. I know you talk to me more than you used to, more than you used to talk to _anyone_. I appreciate that.” He pressed a soft kiss to Alec’s forehead. “I just don’t want to see you hurting yourself, my love.”

More tears rained down onto Magnus’s shirt, and he held Alec close and cooed to him quietly. “Shh, I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s okay, darling. I promise.”

Alec shook his head fiercely. “Told you I’d tell you when things got too bad,” he cried. “Let you down. Failed.”

“Hey, hey, look at me,” Magnus said, pushing himself back just enough to meet Alec’s watery blue eyes. “You did not fail, nor did you let me down. It’s okay, Alexander. I promise you. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Alec closed his eyes, allowing the tears he had been fighting all day to slip down his cheeks freely. Magnus soothed him with gentle touches and kind, soft words. He knew his Shadowhunter didn’t get nearly enough of them. 

Hearing Alec sob with abandon made his own tears spill over, but there was a large, warm part of his heart that reminded him that this was good, this was Alec letting go, this was progress. This was Alec letting Magnus in, letting him help. And he couldn’t be more grateful for it.

**Author's Note:**

> [Stalk me on Tumblr](http://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Prompts are open!
> 
> Want to embrace your inner chaotic fandom participant? Require somewhere to scream about Shadowhunters and other fandoms? Need writing advice, encouragement, or new friends? [Join our Discord server](https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD) and find your place in a community of fandom-ers livin' it up! We welcome everyone, and we would love to have you. <3


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